Hey there, this is Clay and I just wanted to have a little talk with you today. Break ups can be difficult as I’m sure you know. If you’ve ended up here, then I’m guessing you probably know maybe a bit too well.
Trust me, I know what you’re dealing with. I’ve been through a particular damaging break up myself that left me feeling depressed and barely able to get through a day at work in one piece.
I don’t like to admit this, but I actually had to duck into the restroom a few times during the day just pull myself together and keep from losing it in front of my coworkers.
Now, if you’ve just been dumped or you had to painfully end a relationship yourself, your instincts are probably telling you stay home and listen to sad songs.
Or maybe you’re driven by a compulsion to constantly contact your ex and win them back or see if they are taking the break up as bad as you are.
Your instincts will usually serve you pretty well in life, however…
This Is Not the Case with Healing a Broken Heart
If you want to bounce back from a break up and move on, you need to go against your instincts here.
I know this might be a long article here, but if you’re serious about getting rid of that overwhelming sadness and that feeling like you’ve been punched in the gut, please stop what you’re doing and read what I have to say.
If you want to know how to heal a broken heart or move on after a break up, then I’d like to let you know that there are really only 3 things you need to do to mend a broken heart and take back control of your life.
The 3 Things You Need to Heal a Broken Heart
After dealing with my own heartbreak, and helping other people over the years, I’ve come up with the following 3 steps to help you mend a broken heart.
Now, I understand that you and your ex had a unique relationship that was special to you.
A lot of people think that their situation is so different that conventional advice doesn’t apply to them. But I’d like you to at least keep the following three things in mind no matter what your situation may be.
This is what pulled me through the tough times myself and it’s helped the countless men and women who I’ve given this to move on after a break up as well.
Okay. So here are the three things…
First, Realize That This is About You
I know that right now, it might seem that you really don’t have control of much in your life. Your emotions may seem out of control. You feel horrible about yourself. Then some days you feel like you’ll be okay. Only to come crashing down to a deeper despair a few hour later
But I want you to take responsibility for your own feelings. Your ex isn’t responsible for how you feel, and neither is anyone else.
How you feel really is all about you and how you choose to focus your mind.
Here’s a Little Exercise to Try Out
This may seem a little bit strange, but just try out this visualization exercise… don’t just read it, but actually do it.
Take a moment to sit back and imagine your life a year from today exactly as you want it be.
- Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
- What would you do with yourself if you could anything?
- Who would you spend your time with if you could spend it with anyone?
Take the time to really envision this. Close your eyes and imagine in vivid detail what things would be like.
Are you relaxing on a beautiful sunny beach by the ocean relaxing with some close friends as you all vacation? Are you finally happy and fulfilled working at a job that you truly enjoy and get paid well for? Are you starting a new relationship that brings you so much joy and satisfaction that it completely redefines love for you?
Take a moment and picture what it looks like. Imagine how it feels. Hear the sound that you would hear. Really get into and enjoy, with anticipation, this future that waits for you down the road.
If you did this exercise, you probably feel at least a little better about things.
You see, what you did was you changed your focus to what you want and toward your hopes, dreams, and aspirations rather than toward the pain you are going through right now.
And you can do this anytime you want to. All you need to do is remember to pay attention to what you are focusing your mind on.
Anytime you feel bad, it is because you are focusing your mind on something negative that you don’t want.
And anytime you feel good, it is because you are choosing to focus on what makes you happy and what brings you joy.
Second, Cut Contact with Your Ex
If you haven’t already, it is very important that you cut off as much contact as you possibly can with your ex.
I understand that your circumstances may not make this completely possible, like if you work or go to school with your ex, or if the two of you have children together. If that’s the case, minimize contact as much as possible.
But the best scenario would be to just completely cut contact with your ex.
Why do I want you to do this?
Well, even if the two of you eventually do become friends again or even get back together in the future, you need some time to heal from the break up regardless of that.
Break ups are difficult, there’s no doubt about that. But you’re only making the situation more difficult for yourself if you are constantly in contact with your ex.
Every time the two of you get into another argument or you find out that they are dating someone new will only reopen the wounds and send you backsliding in your healing.
Do yourself a favor and don’t talk to your ex–at least for now.
How long should you cut contact?
Well, that really depends on a lot of things like how badly you were hurt in the break up and how long it will take you to heal. But I’ve observed that it is best to do it for at least one month.
After that, you can stop and reassess how you feel. If you feel strong enough, then you might consider having your ex be a part of your life again, if you want that. Or you might decide that you need more time to heal. Or maybe you are simply happier without your ex in your life.
Third, Focus on You
So, what should you do during this no contact period? Well, that really depends.
When we are in relationships, especially ones that last a long time, we can often tend to lose sight of ourselves and become so wrapped up in our relationship that we start to let our hobbies, goals, and passions slip away from us.
The third thing you should to when recovering from a break up is to focus on reviving those things we’ve lost sight of.
Maybe you’ve gotten a bit out of shape recently. Now would be a perfect time to start exercising and eating healthy foods. Even better would be to join a sports club and play a sport that you enjoy to get exercise and make new friends at the same time.
Maybe you are more of the creative type. This would be a great time to work out those emotions of yours on a canvas with some paints or write that novel you’ve been thinking about for awhile.
Or maybe you know that it’s time to take your career to the next level. This is a great opportunity to go back to school and get that degree you need or get more certifications. Work for that promotion you know you want or get started with a new career that really makes you happy.
The point being that there is no set things you should be doing. Just focus on you and what makes you happy or takes your life in a positive direction.
Where do you want your life to be?
Answer this question and you’ll have an idea about where to start.
What to Do if It All Seems Too Much to Handle?
Well, this all sounds great in theory, but I know that it can be hard to find motivation when you feel completely crushed after a break up.
That’s okay. You don’t have to completely turn a new leaf overnight. Just take things slowly and start incorporating these 3 things into your life the best you can.
It may not be easy, but if you can focus on improving your life a little bit at a time, you’ll find that things start to get easier every day.
What to Do from Here?
Well, I’ve just given you a lot to think about. Maybe you’re feeling a little overwhelmed right now. That’s understandable.
If you aren’t sure what to do next or you’re just mildly curious and want to learn more, there is a special web page I found that might interest you that will tell you about something called “positive psychology.”
This will show you how to cultivate positive emotions in your life and help you use these to heal your broken heart and move on after your break up.
